dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
