he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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