Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
