you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize