Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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