i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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