I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
