I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
