Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
A+ Viking dick
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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