why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
