I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize