I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
