I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
