I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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