I heard we made out
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
