I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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