Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
