Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
