I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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