I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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