She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
