U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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