Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
