life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
