My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
