also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
