people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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