we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
