wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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