my mouth tastes like poor choices
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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