i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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