Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize