Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
