someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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