I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
