One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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