She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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