I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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