So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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