i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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