pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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