I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
