he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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