My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize