you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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