i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
