dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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