he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
