Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
