Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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