I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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