I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize