The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
