I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
