I wish I could punch you in the face.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
