It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
