Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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