Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
