i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
