Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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