things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
