I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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